The European Parliament has decided that all dogs and cats must be registered with a microchip to make them easier to track. Because of course, in a continent where it’s impossible to know how many people enter through its external borders each day—let alone where they come from—it seems only logical that the real issue of security and welfare lies in finding out whether your pet was purchased five or ten years ago, or which other animal it has mated with.
The regulation, approved by an overwhelming majority of MEPs (457 votes in favour, 17 against, and 86 abstentions), requires every dog over five years old, and every cat over ten, to carry a microchip. Not just that, their data must be stored in a national database as well as a shared EU database. In other words, cats and dogs will be easier to trace than an undocumented human entering through Lampedusa, Greece’s Evros region, or Spain’s Canary Islands.
Meanwhile, the EU has spent years debating a Migration and Asylum Pact, struggling to reach any sort of agreement. Every attempt to control entry or deport those without the right to remain is quickly branded as racist. But when it comes to your pet’s pedigree, there is no debate: in Brussels, consensus is absolute. The new Feline Pact passed without a hitch.
As if that weren’t enough, the Parliament also wants stringent new regulations on the sale of dogs and cats in pet shops, the breeding of animals with “excessive traits” that may damage their welfare, and the participation of mutilated animals in competitions or exhibitions. In other words, total control over the pet trade— as if we were talking about chemical weapons.
We’re told it’s impossible to create a common registry of who enters and leaves the EU. Too complicated. But apparently, it’s perfectly feasible to track whether your dog was purchased from a Hungarian breeder or through a French website. The fact that 60% of pet sales happen online is already a concern in Brussels. The fact that thousands of people enter illegally without control? Not so much.
At this rate, raising children will only be legal if we register them with a European microchip and database, too.
This is all in the name of animal welfare, of course. At any cost: millions in databases, chips, staff, and software. What matters is knowing whether the neighbour’s cat was conceived between cousins. Meanwhile, human trafficking is on the rise, and the debate on Europe’s identity, security, and future remains a “sensitive” issue—if not outright unacceptable.
In modern Europe, tracing a Yorkshire terrier’s lineage is a sign of civilizational progress. Asking where an undocumented military-aged man comes from, on the other hand, is considered a threat to the rule of law.
The European Union doesn’t know how many people are entering, but it will soon know how many dachshunds live in Burgos. Civilisation is saved.
